How to Define Your “Type”

If you are one of those people who think, “I really do not have a ‘type’, I just date who “want,” think again.
I fell under this category because all the guys I dated — or almost dated — were completely different from each other. One was a scrawny kid in a hardcore band, one was a former basketball player and complete man’s man and one was studying to be a youth pastor.  These guys seemed pretty different when I put them side by side. It was not until I started thinking about more than their appearance that I  realized that I had a “type”.

My type was not physical; my type was based on personality instead. These guys were outgoing, a little forward and kept me guessing. They also made me feel bad about myself. I would not use the term “emotionally abusive” to describe them, but I definitely got played.The first guy I dated happened to be the only one I have ever called my boyfriend. It started off great but did not last very long. After a while he started acting weird and made me feel bad about our relationship through things he said to me. When he broke up with me, over a text message, he told me, “I wasn’t planning on dating you this long.” That stung and I told myself I would never date someone like him again.About a year later, I met someone else. We talked all the time, spent time together and he made it seem like he was in to me. When I told him I liked him, which he had been trying to get me to say for a while, he thanked me but told me he did not feel the same way. He also added, “I don’t like you the way you like me, that’s life.” Even after another blunt, rude statement, I failed to see any similarities between these guys.

A few months later I began talking to the guy I mentioned in “The Worst Mistake You Can Make in Relationships.”  I thought he was great. We went out a lot, he would compliment me and we were always texting when I was away. Then he started blowing me off and ignoring me for weeks without any explanation as to why he did that. He never apologized for the way he treated me. I put up with it until I realized that he was just like the first two guys. He played me, made me feel like I was special, and then tossed me aside.

My type was the player. I was attracted to the guys who had confidence galore and knew they were desired. I liked the guy that kept me guessing because I found it adventurous. I went after someone who I knew would hurt me because in the back of my mind that was the only guy I believed I could get. For some reason, I believed that I did not deserve someone that treated me well or someone that would simply show up when we made plans. It had been drilled in my head that I could not get a gentleman. Maybe I thought it was karma for something evil I did as a youngster. Perhaps it was because I was used to being treated like I did not matter. I am not a psychologist, so I really do not know.

After I realized that I did have a type and how destructive it was, I knew that I needed to change it- so I did. I learned to spot the red flags from the years of going after the jerks and the players. I knew what would happen if I let these people walk all over me and take what they wanted. I started standing up for myself. I knew, deep down, that I deserved better and I stopped settling for less than ideal.

This is something everyone can do. No matter what situation you are in, you can change it if it is harmful. It is never too late to start anew, to change your ways or to decide that you deserve better. Take a look at your type and see what similarities reveal themselves.